she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
