I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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