plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
