Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
