trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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