fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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