Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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