Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
