how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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