Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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