I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
