I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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