I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
