Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The feeling are messing with the penis
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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