The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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