pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
