i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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