I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
