she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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