So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
