If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
