Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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