Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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