I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In other news, I just burned my penis
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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