i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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