how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
