My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
