Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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