he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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