so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize