They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
