shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
