I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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