guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
