i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
