Cold hands, warm shart.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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