a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
