So drunk its hurt
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
