So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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