Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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