I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
