I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
