i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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