She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
