I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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