You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
