dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
