My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
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It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
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I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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