i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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