Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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