Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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