Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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