I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
