I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
