Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
