my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
