Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
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I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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