On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Randomize
