So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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