You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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