I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
