You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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