Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
