she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
