I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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