Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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